“What was that?” I’d nervously ask my stuffed Pooh bear. “Did you see that shadow move?” Pooh just sat there with his bright black plastic eyes looking back at me, helpless to verbalize his reassurance. I’d clutch him tighter to my nightshirt and pull the sheets up over my head, knowing monsters in the dark couldn’t break through the shield of sheets. I was 6 or 7 when this drama was a frequent part of my bedtime routine.
Things always looked different in the dark and I’d swear I saw something move in the corner of my sunny yellow bedroom on the second floor. My parents were still awake downstairs, clanking dishes or putting ice cubes in a glass. Sometimes if I couldn’t stop my imagination from creating a boogeyman at the foot of my bed, I’d call out to Mom or Dad to flip on the light. Oh yes, I’d forgotten that I hung my terrycloth robe on the desk chair near the end of the bed. Now it looked rather harmless and even sad. Time to get some sleep…
I’ve long since outgrown my fear of the dark and my inability to sleep unless everything in my little bedroom world was just right. In fact, I’ve probably gone to the opposite extreme: I can sleep any time and any place these days! This is good AND bad, since I’ve fallen asleep mid-conversation with my husband, much to his chagrin.
What were your fears as a child? Getting lost? Strangers? Loud noises? Thunder/lightening? Snakes? Big dogs? Have you outgrown them? Think about the fears that have replaced those of your youth.
The kinds of fears I’d like to encourage you to overcome are fears are those that limit our ability to show authenticity. Fears that limit our capacity to reach out and empathize. Have you ever been rejected when you went out on a limb for someone? Have you ever embarrassed yourself by taking the first step, only to have the other person distance themselves? I think we’ve all had a time when we “went for it” and came away with a skinned knee or a bruised heart. How has this type of experience influenced your interactions in the present? Do you guard your emotions? Are you cautious when meeting new people, unsure of whether you should show the real you? Perhaps you’ve outgrown your fear of the dark, but the fear that replaced it is alive and well.
It is not easy to lay your authentic self out there for new friends/acquaintances. What if they think I’m too spiritual? (You know how offensive THAT can be!) What if they giggle when I talk about helping others? They might judge me and call me “Goodie Two Shoes”. What if your authentic self is uncomfortable gossiping about other women in town? Is that “un-fun” ? The conversation in your head can go on and on.
As much as I sympathize with the struggles of presenting the same persona to everyone you meet, I wonder what price one pays for burying authenticity? Fear of rejection and judgment seems to be at the root of social concealment. We think, “I’ll be more popular and fit in with the xyz crowd, if I talk about jewelry, vacations, country clubs, 2nd homes and that woman’s indiscretions.” Perhaps the result is some form of popularity, but it is a false one. You will never be satisfied with relationships based on what material goods the other person has. I believe we are searching for connections that are based in truth and depth.
Try taking baby steps in changing long-standing habits. If you are uncomfortable letting it all out the next time you meet someone, start with comments about activities you value. Speak about causes you support. Without becoming an overbearing bore, let the other person see who you really are. Fear not. Of course it goes without saying that one needs to respect others and their viewpoints. There is no value in becoming belligerent when making a case for helping abused animals, for instance. One need not be offensive when changing the subject from gossip to a favorite eating spot in town. People with passionate causes can sometimes encounter friction when they are over the top about spreading the word. This can be avoided by simply being aware of the language you use. Do not accuse or purposely invoke guilt. Do not imply complacency when someone seems unmoved. (They may need time to process what you are saying!)
The bottom line is this…be prepared for real relationships with incredible people when you open your eyes and heart to being authentic. Sometimes we don’t even know how special people in our own circle are because we have not let down our walls to let them in. This type of fear can be overcome and comes with huge rewards.
